Learning from one’s mistakes is relatively easy, changing behavior isn’t

The concept of “meta-conflict perspective” in this week's reading hit home with me. The authors write, “In conflict, the ability to take a meta-conflict perspective means that you can look back on the conflicts you have experienced, analyze what you did well and what you did poorly, and learn from your mistakes.”

For a long time, this has been my methodology for everything, including conflict. When I started seriously wanting to do some work to better myself, I started by analyzing my actions at the end of each day. If I didn’t live up to what I wanted from myself, I would tell myself, “You’re better than that; that’s not like you. You’re going to do better starting tomorrow.”

Now it’s a habit. I analyze my day, my work, my actions and my interactions with other people, including conflicts, to figure out how I could have handled things better and what I would do in the future when similar situations come up. In other words, I work hard to learn from my mistakes.

Just because I’ve done this analyzing for so long doesn’t make it easier for me to change my behavior; I may learn from my mistakes, but changing and improving my behavior is always an ongoing struggle.

Old habits die hard

The authors of our book write, “A process is dynamic, ongoing, and continuous (not static, at rest or fixed).” While reading Chapter 2, I was aware that quite often the conflicts, communication and relationships I have with those closest to me are often static.

There are many reasons for this, including that not all in my family are at the same level of emotional maturity and therefore are sometimes closed to resolving conflicts. In addition, personally and in all honesty, I have to admit that I contribute to a non-process methodology within my family because I’ve always had an issue with having to be right and having the last word. Although I didn’t like to hear my dad tell me this when I was young, I had to admit to myself even back then that it was true. As I’ve gotten older, I still recognize this in myself. When I can’t accept another’s viewpoint because I think mine is the only accurate one, I am definitely not taking a process-oriented approach to communication, relationships and conflict.

As far as how I can change my thinking, I have to keep reminding myself that it’s for the better for each member of my family if we all make communication, relationships, and conflict within our family “dynamic, ongoing and continuous,” and that this starts with changing my own thinking.

Inborn instinct for conflict?

 Looking back at the first months and years of my children’s lives, I would agree with those that say humans have an instinct or inborn trait for conflict, and I would add that’s it's closely tied to the fulfillment of our needs, whether those needs be physical, mental, emotional or psychological. From very early on, my little ones let me know when what I was or was not doing for them conflicted with what they wanted.

Growing up myself in a family of four children, I would have to say that an instinct for conflict was of great value. It didn’t take long for me to discover that my thoughts, wants and desires often conflicted with those of my siblings and parents. Learning how to reconcile what I thought and wanted with what other people  were thinking and wanted; and the conflict that arose because these things were different or sometimes the same; taught me empathy, tolerance, forbearance, negotiation and collaboration.

I believe an instinct for conflict makes us more human. It provides an opportunity for personal growth and for becoming a better, more compassionate human being.

A bit about myself, and welcome!

I’m currently a fundraiser for San José State. Among other tasks, my job entails writing that includes always marketing and promoting the university as well as building Spartan pride. Previously I’ve worked as a development director for a grammar school. That’s where I’ve had most of my experience in public relations and marketing. I’ve also volunteered in several non-profits and always seem to end up in one way or another in the PR and marketing of these organizations.

I love to read. That’s how I relax. I also enjoy walking and hiking. I bribe my husband each weekend to walk for four to five miles with coffee and something sweet half way through the walk, fully realizing that this defeats one of the healthful purposes of the exercise.

I’ve enjoyed every communication class I’ve taken, as well as the psychology classes I’ve completed. I enjoy the openness and willingness to share experiences by students and teachers that seems to come with being in communications.

I am eager to take this class because both my career and my volunteer work involve working with diverse individuals and groups, so it will be helpful to learn how to improve my skills in communication, mediation and conflict resolution. Of course, these skills are useful at home, too!

I look forward to getting to know you. “See” you online!