Negative Views of Conflict & Fear of Conflict

I believe people generally have a negative view of conflict because they haven’t learned the skills to deal with conflict effectively. Therefore their experiences with conflict have been negative, so they have a negative view of it. In the majority of conflicts I’ve had, (and I dare say my experience is fairly common), I am not listening to the other person, but instead I am busy planning what I am going to say, and when the other person doesn’t seem to hear what I am saying, I get angry. The other person doesn’t hear what I am saying because he or she is busy doing the same thing I’m doing, not listening but planning what they are going to say. So we get nowhere and the conflict escalates and doesn’t get resolved.

I am sure that the more people know about conflict, the less they will fear it. First, it helps to know that conflict is normal and a fact of life, and the closer and more interdependent the relationship, the more conflicts will occur and the more we’ll be emotionally involved in them.  Second, it helps to know that personal and relationship growth can occur from dealing effectively with conflict. Third, if one has the tools to effectively deal with conflict, then conflict won’t be as feared. This course gave us effective tools such as using an appropriate approach to conflict like the transactional approach, using the Stop, Think, Listen, and Communicate (S-TLC) system of conflict resolution, using “I-statements” to take responsibility for one’s feelings, needs, and wants, and using negotiation or mediation for those conflicts that need more than interpersonal communication skills to solve.

I think this course is so valuable that it should be a required course in high school so that the majority of people could learn about conflict resolution and become skilled in effective conflict resolution tools in order not to fear conflict, but use it as an opportunity for personal and relational growth.

What I Learned

What I learned over the course of the semester were different ways to look at and deal with conflict in my personal and professional life. I’ve certainly had my share of conflicts and, as I learned was quite typical, I’ve always dreaded conflict. I can’t say I no longer dread conflict; however, the course has given me tools that should help me deal more effectively with conflicts using methods that benefit me and the person with whom I am in conflict. In addition, I am eager to help my family members deal more effectively with conflict using the tools I have learned such as the Stop, Think, Listen, and Communicate (S-TLC) system of resolving interpersonal conflicts, and “I-statements.”

I’ve always provided a good shoulder for people to cry and vent on; however, I’ve learned in this class although there is a need for ventilation at times, it can easily cause a person to focus on the wrong that was done to them and not the part they played. In addition, if the anger isn’t directed to the person responsible, venting can rehearse the problem and actually increase it. I don’t want to play a role in increasing a problem, so I’m definitely going to be aware of this when people start to vent to me.

I learned names for things I’ve noticed, such as anger-in, anger-out and anger controllers. I’ve heard about negotiation, but now feel comfortable enough to try it. I now understand the importance of forgiveness on mental and physical health, and that reconciliation is a choice and doesn’t necessarily have to follow forgiveness.

I could go on and on with what I’ve learned. The important part is that what I have learned I’ve been able to apply personally to myself, something I can’t say has happened with most of the other classes I’ve taken. The work and effort I put into this class has been well worthwhile!

Course Strengths and Weaknesses & Would I Recommend It?

The format of the class is a definite strength that I liked – first reading the material, then answering questions that helped me apply to myself what I had learned in the readings, and finally learning new points of view by reading and responding to the postings of my fellow classmates. I also liked the online format that allowed me to do the class work when it was convenient to me. This was a definite strength of the course. Other strengths of the class were the two assigned projects, the Conflict Assessment Paper and the Conflict Resolution Workshop. The paper helped me personalize what I had been learning and the workshop helped me both see the connections between all that I had been learning and realize that what I had been learning is definitely applicable to real life situations. An additional strength of the class was the ability to email the professor any time I had a question, knowing I would always get a response.

I had to think hard to come up with a weakness of the class. A weakness of the class for me is the need to wait until other people post in order to get my responses done. I like to get my work done as soon as possible because I never know how my week will go and whether I will have time later in the week or the next weekend for homework. I ended up responding oftentimes to the same classmates who also got their postings done early in the week, so I didn’t interact with as many people as I would have liked.

All in all, for me, the strengths of the class way outnumbered the weaknesses!

I would definitely recommend this class to other students, and I wish I had taken this class many years ago. I had so many “aha” moments when reading the material, both regarding past and current conflicts of my own, and also conflicts family members have gone through or are going through. There were so many times in the readings that I thought, “If I had only known this,” or “How can I get this material into the hands of this particular family member so that she/he can make sense of her/his actions and the repercussions of those actions?”

So I would recommend this class to other students because I believe it could have a profound effect on their personal and professional lives. The course material and activities provide a different way of looking at and dealing with conflict than most people have. The material is not complex—the readings are easy and the homework and projects may take time, but aren’t prohibitively difficult. And the student would have the opportunity to take a class completely at their convenience because of its being purely online. So what student wouldn’t want to take a class they could take on their own time that would have an impact on their lives?!