When I was growing up, I tended to express my anger by blowing up, so I definitely demonstrated “anger-out.” However, since then I have had too many experiences with people who lose their temper quickly and it is not a pleasant thing to be on the receiving end, so I have learned to control my temper.
Now I am an “anger controller” because I generally express my anger calmly when it is appropriate to do so. Generally the outcome of expressing my anger calmly is good. I vent my anger at the person with whom I am angry, and if I stay calm, they listen and respond, so we begin to communicate.
If I am angry at my boss, it is generally not appropriate to let her know, so I practice “anger-in.” However, I generally still voice my anger, just not to my boss. I talk to my family about the issue. I have noticed something related to this that the authors of our textbook talked about. If I am angry with my boss and I don’t talk it out with her but talk it out with other people, my anger with her seems to build. I am actually reinforcing that anger.
I do notice that if I’m tired it’s much harder to be rational with my anger and stay calm. It’s hard to come up with the energy it takes to control my anger.
I like your post and agree with everything you said. That’s a great way of releasing anger by talking to your family about your differences with your boss. I know you feel helpless when you cannot voice out your feelings to an authority like your boss, but there has to be an outlet because otherwise it collects all the negativity inside, only to explode later in unpredictable situation. A team of Stanford researchers have found out that if we look at the person yelling or angry at us in way that he is throwing anger bouts because of some bad news that he must have received, and we are the only channel through which he is trying to remove his anger, then we might not feel as bad. Responding to an angry person in the same way does not make sense as it drags the situation unnecessarily without any constructive outcome.
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