Years ago I was in a seven-year relationship with an alcoholic boyfriend. When he was drinking, he was abusive. He had power over me because he was my first serious boyfriend and I talked myself into thinking that this was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. When he was sober, he knew that this was my goal, so it gave him power. He had no need to change his behavior and drink less because he knew I would take whatever he dished out when he was drunk because I wanted the relationship to last.
It was definitely an unbalanced power relationship. I felt disrespected, demeaned, worthless, sad, hurt and angry.
When I moved far away to get myself out of the situation, I once again had power over myself. I gained self-confidence because I had done what I needed to do to get out of an unbalanced power situation.
This experience has stayed with me. If I find myself in a situation where I have power over someone, there’s a nagging inside of me that lets me know to be careful not to take advantage of the other person. So I would say that for me, to have more power over someone makes me nervous that I will abuse it; however, to have less power reminds me of those horrible years spent with the abusive boyfriend, so I do everything to avoid being in situations in which I have more or less power than someone else.
I wonder if having been in an abusive relationship if it makes you more prone to be another one or if it makes you more likely to be the abuser in the next relationship. I have often heard that people fall into patterns...that they look for what they know. For example if you grew up in an abusive home you are more likely to end up in relationships where the other person hold the power. However similar to what you fear I be there are quite a few people that get out of abusive relationships only to become the abuser because they are so set on never letting it happen again that they cross the line.
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