I believe people generally have a negative view
of conflict because they haven’t learned the skills to deal with conflict
effectively. Therefore their experiences with conflict have been negative, so
they have a negative view of it. In the majority of conflicts I’ve had, (and I
dare say my experience is fairly common), I am not listening to the other
person, but instead I am busy planning what I am going to say, and when the
other person doesn’t seem to hear what I am saying, I get angry. The other
person doesn’t hear what I am saying because he or she is busy doing the same
thing I’m doing, not listening but planning what they are going to say. So we
get nowhere and the conflict escalates and doesn’t get resolved.
I am sure that the more people know about conflict,
the less they will fear it. First, it helps to know that conflict is normal and
a fact of life, and the closer and more interdependent the relationship, the
more conflicts will occur and the more we’ll be emotionally involved in them. Second, it helps to know that personal and
relationship growth can occur from dealing effectively with conflict. Third, if
one has the tools to effectively deal with conflict, then conflict won’t be as
feared. This course gave us effective tools such as using an appropriate
approach to conflict like the transactional approach, using the Stop, Think,
Listen, and Communicate (S-TLC) system of conflict resolution, using
“I-statements” to take responsibility for one’s feelings, needs, and wants, and
using negotiation or mediation for those conflicts that need more than
interpersonal communication skills to solve.
I think this course is so valuable that it should be a
required course in high school so that the majority of people could learn about
conflict resolution and become skilled in effective conflict resolution tools
in order not to fear conflict, but use it as an opportunity for personal and
relational growth.
I have enjoyed reading your posts more than any other. If no one has ever told you, you communicate with the written word very well. That said, on to the comment.
ReplyDeleteFrom your post and the others that I have read, it seems that “fearing” conflict is more common than not. I do not, and have never feared conflict. Like you, I get angry when the person I am in conflict with is not agreeing with my “obviously sound reasoning” (yes, there is a hint of arrogance there). After all, since I am already thinking of the smart response while I am “listening,” I’ve already considered all of the relevant input right? Hmmm. No wonder others feared conflict with me. I now know that my option of choice in conflict communications was competitive and that I do have other options. Now if everybody else would just learn this stuff, I might actually get to have some more productive conflicts.