I can readily admit that although I may be good at figuring out if a conflict is worth pursuing or not, while I'm in the middle of a conflict, I’m not good at giving the other person my full attention and listening to what he or she is saying. Instead, I am busy figuring out what I’m going to say to make the person see my side of the conflict. What little I do hear of what is being said, I’m already busy working on how I’m going to respond to it.
I’d like to think I could write down most of what the other person has said, but in all honesty, what I would be able to write down would be what I heard without really listening. It would be my interpretation of what was said, and my interpretation would definitely be slanted toward highlighting my own self interest. So I am doing a major injustice to both myself and to the person with whom I’m in conflict because I am not giving that person my full attention and I am putting my own self interests ahead of working toward a mutually acceptable solution.
Lee,
ReplyDeleteYour point about the bias of our own interpretations was fantastic! Whenever I go back and reflect upon an argument which has just taken place, it’s helpful to keep in mind that memories are deceiving, and as a participant in the conflict, it is extremely difficult to think back on the issue impartially. The bias towards our own rightness (and their wrongness) always seems to outweigh whatever legitimate concerns our partner may have had.
The first step to combating this is first to recognize that it exists. Although we may never be free of bias, the more we begin to recognize it’s symptoms the faster we will learn to overcome it’s tendencies.
*Im not sure if that last sentence makes sense, but it sounded good :)
-Ben