When faced with a conflict, my initial reaction is to respond with a self-centered orientation. As I mentioned in a post last week, I still have the ingrained tendencies of having to be right in a conflict as well as wanting to have the last word. When I was growing up, I definitely had a self-centered orientation and used the strategy of aggressive communication to try to get what I wanted. I was happiest when I got my way, thrilled, even, that I was on the winning end of a win-lose outcome, even though even back then, I realized it was at the expense of someone else. I remember I would gloat over the other person’s loss in an argument with me.
In my late teens, I had a quick foray into other-centered orientation, which happened to correspond to a relationship at the time with a boyfriend. I avoided conflict by keeping my opinions and feelings to myself. Am I glad that relationship didn’t work out—I probably would have developed ulcers because being subordinate to someone and being on the losing end of win-lose just wasn’t me. So I definitely wasn’t satisfied with the outcome of conflicts solved using the other-centered orientation.
As I matured, I realized that neither the self-centered orientation nor the other-centered orientation is conducive to getting along and working with people. (Of course, until I read Chapter 3 I didn’t have the vocabulary to put this into words). With each conflict I still fight my initial tendency to take a self-centered orientation in solving it, but realize that a relationship-centered orientation will not only help solve current issues, but help set the groundwork for solving future issues. I assertively speak up in my interests but respect the interests of the other person. I do compromise sometimes when solving issues, but do prefer collaborating with people so we reach an agreement that leaves us both happy. So I am most satisfied with outcomes when using a relationship-centered orientation.
This doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes use a self-centered or other-centered orientation. When I’m tired, I sometimes slip back to using the self-centered orientation, and when I think a family member or close friend needs to “win” because they are stressed and unable to use a relationship-centered orientation, I have use an other-centered orientation.
I think as a teenager I was also very strong headed and stuck to self- centered orientation when resolving conflicts as the whole world started from me and ended at me. However at home when engaged in conflicts with my parents I would go by the other-centered orientation because culturally I was supposed to behave nonassertively. So just as you mentioned that with maturity you came to terms with relationship-centered orientation, I also mellowed down with age and experience and realized the aggressive way of resolving conflict not only bother others, but troubles me more than anybody else. Also you never come up with a fruitful outcome from a conflict with a self-centered oientation behavior for all the energy and time spent.
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